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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24780610">light it up, don't (stop)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/sinjoong'>sinjoong (undeliveredtruth)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>decadence [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Implied Violence, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Set approximately 3 years before came for the low, The Author Regrets Everything, This is the Backstory</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:03:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24780610</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/sinjoong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>to hongjoong, yunho could have been a sunrise—darkness bleeding out, leading into the light. </p><p>the promise of a new day.</p><p>too bad (he wasn't.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeong Yunho/Kim Hongjoong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>decadence [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1785736</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>light it up, don't (stop)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>well... i'll take my hate for this, i really and truly apologize. :D please heed the warning before you read! and i'll be posting the last part to this in the next couple of days, and hopefully <i>that</i> should make up for <i>this.</i></p><p>as always, my twitter and curiouscat are @bbysvts, feel free to scream at me whenever because i deserve it, i know. enjoy! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p3">
  <em>wooyoung and san knew better than to say anything to hongjoong when he walked through the doors of their apartment after a task. that time, hongjoong hadn’t even bothered to wipe the blood off his clothes. the dark patches turned the black clothing even darker, sticking to his arms and neck, under the bulletproof vest. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>he shed that, just that, walking into yunho’s room. on the floor, he unbuckled it and let it fall, splatters of blood on the oak hardwood. illuminated only by his laptop, yunho only had to take one glance at him before he put it away under his bed and threw his sheets aside. </em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>wordlessly, hongjoong climbed next to him, his hands pressed between their chests; he didn’t care about anything but to </em>feel.<em> just as quietly, yunho caressed a hand through his hair. </em></p><p class="p3">
  <em>hongjoong’s head buried itself between yunho’s neck and chest, yunho’s skin warm on his lips, his pulse fluttering to a slow, gentle beat. he always hated feeling like this; jittery, anxious, bursting out of skin. the kill never left him settled.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>every person whose life he ended with his hands took a little bit of his soul with them in return. at the end, when hongjoong stood there, a bloody pool at his feet, he could see the tendrils of his mind slipping, dizziness twisting and turning the room. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>with trembling hands, the him behind the eyelids picked up the body and dragged it to the end of the room; it took five minutes for the clean-up people to arrive. fresh-faced and terrified; just like hongjoong used to be when he was their age. just how him, yunho, san, wooyoung… how they all were, disposable pawns at the bottom of the food chain.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>and he got lost in the memories—guns, knives, poison, thin wire bleeding into necks; hongjoong closed his eyes tighter and he trembled under the weight of the memories—one single shake of his body that lifted him to consciousness and sent him back under right away. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>and then a hand enveloped the back of his head and squeezed. </em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>hongjoong felt like he was nothing but a tiny spot in his body, growing and growing until he stretched beyond his skin and wanted </em>out.</p><p class="p3"><em>something hurt. something concentrated in the back of his neck, and hongjoong focused on the pain, let it take over until </em> red <em> was all he could see behind his eyelids. reds and purples fading to black, until his soul inhabited his body once again.</em></p><p class="p3">
  <em>through the haze, he recognized it as yunho; yunho’s fingers pressing, harder and harder until they buried themselves in the skin of hongjoong’s neck, blunt nails digging crescent marks in spaces they had been before. hongjoong trembled once more, shifting to let the heaviness out, let his mind return to his body and take over again.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“m’sorry,” he mumbled. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>yunho shushed him, releasing the hold on his neck to run through his hair again. “nothing to be sorry about.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“there’s blood all over your sheets now.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“there is,” yunho chuckled, pulling hongjoong tighter into his own body. if he pulled him any closer, hongjoong felt like he could jump into yunho’s skin, maybe make his home there instead of under his own. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>the thought made him chuckle. a tiny hongjoong, wiggling his legs sitting on top of yunho’s heart. taking a trip inside his mind, whooshed around by the power of yunho’s thoughts. </em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>would yunho still have thought about him? maybe hongjoong could have seen what he imagined when he’s thinking of hongjoong; it would be nice, to see himself in yunho’s mind. would he be tinged pink, for love? would he be tinged </em>red?<em> or would he be tinged black maybe, like his hair? like his clothes now?</em></p><p class="p3">
  <em>“what are you laughing about?”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“nothing,” hongjoong buried himself deeper into yunho’s chest. “just… thinking about how you see me.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“how i see you?”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“yes. what color am i to you?”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“color?” yunho chuckled. “uhh… like… a sunset, maybe?” </em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>hongjoong would’ve liked to say </em>a sunset, really?<em> but nothing really came out. </em></p><p class="p3">
  <em>damn jeong yunho.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“yeah. like a sunset,” yunho reaffirmed, surer of himself. “there’s, uh… red and purple and orange and yellow leading to the dark blue. it makes it feel comforting though, it’s not weird. like you don’t really fear it, the darkness that’s coming.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">oh, really,<em>hongjoong would’ve liked to say. as it was, he stood frozen.</em></p><p class="p3">
  <em>it was funny. because to hongjoong, yunho could have been a sunrise—darkness bleeding out, leading into the light. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>the promise of a new day.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“i want to see the sunrise,” hongjoong blurted out. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>thankfully, yunho got what he wanted to say.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“we’ll get out of here, alright? eventually. soon, we’re almost done.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>hongjoong shivered in yunho’s arms. it had been so long even the thought of leaving, getting away, sounded forbidden. even the thought of their debts paid, of freedom… too much.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“hongjoong-hyung. we will, alright? trust me. i know we will.” yunho’s lips touched the crown of hongjoong’s hair. “i’ll make sure we will.”</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3">
  <em>“overwatch tonight?” wooyoung threw to yunho across the kitchen table; hongjoong heard them from his place at the sink, washing the dishes that hadn’t seen water for more than two days. without hongjoong, nothing got done in this household.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“mmm, i have a mission tonight,” yunho hummed, the flimsy chair squeaking under him when he shuffled it closer. next to him, wooyoung munched at his cereal, too obnoxious for the asscrack of dawn.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“you do? what is it?” he arches his eyebrow.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“it’s not a big deal. just have to seduce someone for a little bit.” </em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>hongjoong tried to not let the jealousy in his veins burn. stupid, </em>stupid<em> hongjoong.</em></p><p class="p3">
  <em>“who?” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“a chaebol. the son of the park family.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“who again?” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“park seonghwa. you never heard of him?”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“no. why would i?” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“hmm,” yunho raised his shoulders, the light from the window falling on them. “he’s pretty famous for messing around with celebrities and stuff.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“so what’s up with him?” hongjoong chipped in, absentmindedly scrubbing at the stubborn grease on a plate.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“well, his family’s getting involved with the choi gang, apparently. so we need to give them a little warning.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>hongjoong side-eyed yunho and wooyoung, finishing up the dishes in the sink. he was wet to his elbows, on the front of his shirt. if wooyoung ever made ramyeon without cleaning up again, hongjoong would have his head. he glared at him, just so that the boy felt the threatening gaze on the side of his head.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>but wooyoung couldn’t care less. “so what, kill him?” he interjects, too blasé. it’s wooyoung; hongjoong is not surprised.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“no, nothing of the sort. just bring him into the club, mess with him a little. so his father knows where he’s been; he’s pretty protective of him, apparently. and the guy is clueless, knows nothing. easy target.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“so how are you going to pull that off?” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“mingi’s in his circles. he’ll make sure he brings him tonight.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“hmm. lemme see him.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>soon enough, wooyoung had placed a photo of this park seonghwa in front of his eyes. he was stunning—it would have been hard for hongjoong to disagree. black hair that framed a chiseled face, full lips, mesmerizing eyes. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>he could tell why he was popular. for good reason, maybe; hongjoong wouldn’t mind getting his hands on him a little, messing him up. he loves seeing rich, pretty boys like him ruined. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>but the thought of yunho doing it made bile rise in his throat. the thought of yunho’s hands on this pretty guy’s hips, his arms thrown around yunho’s head and his tongue in his mouth... </em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>hongjoong had to turn away from wooyoung’s phone. when he threw it on the table, the images disappeared from hongjoong’s mind with the clang, the heavy mood vanishing into thin air. it’s alright. hongjoong shouldn’t have been jealous. hongjoong had nothing to be jealous </em>for.</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“you don’t like doing this kind of stuff. i can do it instead of you,” hongjoong volunteered, drying his hands.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“nah, it’s okay. it’s not a big deal. i’m his type, apparently,” yunho grinned, preening like it was a compliment, winking at wooyoung.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>hongjoong snorted. “you’re everyone’s type.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“facts,” wooyoung laughed, walking out of the kitchen with a pep in his step. “thank you, hongjoong hyung. see you later tonight,” he grinned. he was lucky hongjoong didn’t whoop his ass twice a week.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>god knows he deserved it.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“so where are you going today?” yunho changed the course of conversation when wooyoung left, getting up to stand next to hongjoong.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“gwangju,” hongjoong threw, putting yunho’s missed empty cup in the sink, “i’ll be back before the morning. hopefully you should be done before.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“oh! my home,” yunho beamed, the light of an entire sun concentrated in their tiny, rickety kitchen. there was no light from outside; it was still dark. just yunho. just him.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>and hongjoong thought two things:</em>
</p><p>1. i must confess.</p><p class="p3">
  <em>yunho’s arms wrapped around him, enveloping hongjoong in the smell of fresh laundry and yunho’s shampoo. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>well, hongjoong’s shampoo as well. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“want me to bring anything back?”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“uhm…” yunho trailed off, humming in hongjoong’s hair. “no. i don’t really miss anything. i have everything i need here.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“okay.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>but yunho didn’t let go. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“hey, hyung... take care,” he started, tightening his arms around hongjoong, his lips brushing the crown of his head, “i love you.”</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>a wave of emotion buried hongjoong under the water. he was drowning like he had when he was seventeen, him and yunho two clueless people out of many, in the last place where they would have ever wanted to be. while others took college entrance exams, yunho and hongjoong learned how to decompose a body. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>the only thing that kept him afloat then was yunho: yunho on him, in him, everywhere with him. </em>
</p><p>2. but there is no place for love here.</p><p class="p3">
  <em>and they’ve learned that a long time ago. unlike when he had been seventeen, hongjoong understood life now, and the risks at hand. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>so he could wait a little bit more, until they’re done with what they have to do and can finally be free. to confess to yunho for real, and get him like he’s always wanted.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“i love you too.” </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>and he tried to let go, but held on a little bit more, in the warm comfort of yunho’s arms. stolen moments, when no one sees—in private, hongjoong let yunho put pieces of him back together, so that one day they might form a complete puzzle. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>and when they did, when he finally could be whole again… hongjoong would take yunho’s hand and kiss him like he ached to. </em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3">the lights of the highway beat steady in front of hongjoong’s eyes. maybe a couple hundred, a thousand more, and he’ll reach home.</p><p class="p3">the radio does very little to distract him. his thoughts fly to san; did he eat today? did he train? to wooyoung; did he wash his dishes? did he have a mission today?</p><p class="p3">to yunho, at last; there’s an unsteady feeling sitting in his chest. <em>nothing could go wrong,</em> he tells himself. if he says it over and over again, maybe it will make him feel better.</p><p class="p3">it’s 2:37 am. hongjoong’s three coffees have done nothing for him; maybe that’s why he’s feeling unsettled instead of awake. caffeine runs through his blood like lead and he accelerates. the box of rice cakes rests on the passenger seat.</p><p class="p3">the shrill of his phone ringtone startles him out of his thoughts. it’s wooyoung. hongjoong answers and puts it on speaker on the dashboard. hopefully it won’t slip away and fall.</p><p class="p3"><em>“hongjoong-hyung… hyung, h-hyung—h—” </em>wooyoung’s crying muffles his words, makes them almost unintelligible.</p><p class="p3">“wooyoung? what’s wrong?”</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“hyung—hyung, yunho…”</em>
</p><p class="p3">a shiver runs throughout hongjoong’s whole body.</p><p class="p3">
  <em>“yu—yunho. he’s—someone dragged him to the alley behind the club, and... and i heard gunshots in the alley, and i think they took him—hyung, i…</em>
</p><p class="p3"><em>“i think he’s </em>dead.”</p><p class="p3">he steps on the gas pedal.</p>
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